By Chris "Raiden" Grewe
Published: April 22, 2008 PrintEmail
It's that time of year again, by this time, my mock draft machine is chugging along at a pace so quick...snails everywhere are jealous. Heeeeeeeere we go...
1. - Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio State
Gholston not only was the first player to beat Michigan tackle Jake Long to the quarterback last year, he'll also be the first player to beat Jake Long in the race off the draft board this year. Ohio State takes an early lead on Michigan in 2008, with the number one overall picks of the NFL draft category going to...the Buckeyes.
2. - Jake Long, OT, Michigan
Jake Long really dislikes Vernon Gholston by now. Fortunately, they'll only have to face off against one another at least once every four years under NFL scheduling rules, which means if Long continues his college dominance, he'll give up roughly one sack every four years. Unlikely? Sure, but it makes for great conversation eh?
3. - Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College
"Hey, the last high pick the Falcons had at quarterback threw a lot of interceptions too, but at least he ran for a bunch of yards and changed defensive schemes!" -Atlanta Journal Constitution, three years from now about Matt Ryan
4. - Chris Long, DE, Virginia
Chris Long has already been through a Raiders' training camp several times, just this time around, it'll be Chris sneaking daddy Howie into training camp, and not the other way around...something tells me Howie's going to be a bit harder to hide than a young Chris Long...there's nothing under that giant blanket in the backseat Mr. Security Guard, honest! just isn't going to cut it...
5. - Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
Even if they do deal Jared Allen (which it looks more and more likely they will do), the Chiefs need help along the defensive front as well. Dorsey looks like more of a surefire pick than does any of the offensive tackles here...namely because Ryan Clady, good as he looks in passing drills, is still trying to read those last few questions on the Wonderlic test...
6. - Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
Thomas Jones continues to hate me here...we've been through that enough, so let's do some McFadden analysis. Really, what McFadden needs to decide on here, is whether or not it's worth the trouble of actually getting the Lexus in NYC, I mean really, where's he going to drive it? To the tunnel? To the parking lots? Really, is it worth it here? Now if he'd gone to Oakland two picks earlier...
7. (from 49ers) - Branden Albert, OG, Virginia
I'm going to have a side of the Albert hype here just to quench some hunger pangs...the Patriots are known to draft linemen high, and he's the best one of the bunch remaining. Come to think of it, to draft a guard this high, I'm going to need more than a side of the hype here, how much was the full blown combo meal again please?
8. - Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy
Have I exhausted the Scottish bar jokes with McKelvin? Yes? No? Maybe? Let's see...guy walks into a bar wearing a kilt, what was his name? Maaaaaaaackeeeeeelvin? No? Not working? Ok, moving right along...
9. - Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
The Bengals take care of the first thing on their draft board in the first round. Later on, they plan on targeting Alice from The Brady Bunch in the sixth or seventh rounds to be the new nanny for Chad Johnson with the age factor dropping her that far.
10. - Keith Rivers, LB, USC
The Saints were floating a bunch of rumors here that they were intending to take Alice with this pick in order to get the Bengals to pass on Ellis, but they, alas, have to settle for their second choice...a solid linebacker who can actually (gasp!) tackle! Oh poor, poor Saints...
11. - James Hardy, WR, Indiana
The Bills were reportedly worried about character with this pick...until they realized they still played in Buffalo, where there's very little to get in trouble with, unless of course Hardy gets a hold of a barrel...and finds his way up the road to Niagra Falls...wonder if riding a barrel over Niagra Falls counts as a "dangerous" activity...hmm...
12. - Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois
Could Mendenhall be the longest tenured Denver running back since Terrell Davis? No, of course not silly, see my curse in the last version of The Mock, mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
13. - Ryan Clady, OT, Boise State
The Panthers search for an actual left tackle has taken them through a multitude of guys, with Clady, that search ends with something of substance. The biggest adjustment for Clady going from Boise State to Carolina...he'll be asking them to paint the grass blue...which, granted, they might be able to do since their team colors involve a shade of blue...hmmm...
14. - Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville
With all that money they paid Bernard Ber-...oops, Muhsin Muhammed to come play receiver for them, it'd be irresponsible of the Bears front office not to have the common courtesy to at least get someone who can actually get him the ball.
15. - Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt
So far in this slot, I've made cracks about Jeff Backus' false starts and other extraneous penalties...what? You thought I was done with those? Pfft, hardly...Williams represents a $5 million investment this year towards reducing the number of false start penalties incurred by their left tackle, and at $312,500 a game, that shakes out to roughly $62,500 per false start saved! A bargain price!
16. - Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tennessee State
Is it too much to throw out a joke about a guy with one kidney and Matt Leinart in Mexico? Too much? Ok, if that's too much, I'm moving on...
17. - Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida
With the rumored trade of Jared Allen to Minnesota, this could just as easily be Kansas City making this selection, so don't get too comfortable with the Harvey to Minnesota banter just yet.
18. - Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon
Duck...duck...goose? No, that's not right...duck...duck...Texan? Am I absolutely sure it wasn't the first one?
19. - Devin Thomas, WR, Michigan State
Or maybe it was Gator, Duck, Spartan? Eh, who knows...anyways, Philly finally gets a hold on a potential number one receiver through the draft. How bout that?
20. - Antoine Cason, CB, Arizona
Bruce Allen thanks his lucky stars that Jon Gruden can't make the selections without him. Unbeknownst to him, Gruden had moments earlier tried to get a card up to the podium with the words "a quarterback, any quarterback" written on it...Gruden's plot was foiled by Jeff Garcia, who stood outside the door of the Bucs War Room just for such an occasion.
21. - Phillip Merling, DE, Clemson
The new coaching staff tricked Dan Snyder into making this selection by showing him a card with the words "Big Name, DE, Big State College" on it while sneaking their real card out the window. Snyder was happy.
22. (from Cleveland) - DeSean Jackson, WR, Cal
Jerry Jones, quite fraught with disappointment over not being able to swing a deal for Darren McFadden's draft rights, allowed quarterback Tony Romo's girlfriend/possible wife (nobody's sure) Jessica Simpson. Simpson, wanting to make her brain feel large, used the pick on a small receiver from California...
23. - Gosder Cherilus, OT, Boston College
Big Ben and his coach were reportedly on different pages in different books on this one, the quarterback said "big receiver", and the coach heard "big eater"...the coach will more than likely be thanked the first time Cherilus prevents a barreling 320 pound monster from taking the head off of the quarterback though...just guessing...
24. - Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
After getting Vince Young a new receiver he used to play with in college, Jeff Fisher spoke to Texas head coach Mack Brown via phone. When asked to send a copy of the Texas playbook from the VY years, Brown reportedly told Fisher there were only three plays, Vince Right, Vince Left, and Vince Start One Way Then Go The Other...Brown figured Fisher was smart enough to diagram those on his own.
25. - Dustin Keller, TE, Purdue
Dustin Keller will give Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck something the likes of which they've not seen in a while...wait for it...waaaaaiiiiit for it...a tight end that can catch passes! Gasp! I know! Shocking ain't it?
26. - Kentwan Balmer, DT, UNC
Rumored clause in Balmer's contract with Jacksonville: "Contract voids to league minimum salary in any year in which player fails to draw enough fans to the stadium to cover league blackout requirements." Frankly, I see a holdout here.
27. - Jeff Otah, OT, Pittsburgh
Otah's big enough and fleet(less) enough of foot that his only job on plays matched up against speed rushers will be to yell "DUCK!!!" as loud as he can at Philip (with one 'L') Rivers.
28. (not from Cleveland) - Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas
Jerry Jones sufficiently recovered from his previous mistake, and this time around took the advice of, instead of the quarterback's girlfriend, the quarterback himself, who graciously said, "Boss, thanks for the big contract, do whatever you like with this pick." The boss then responded by picking a player from his alma mater.
29. - Pat Sims, DT, Auburn
Alex Smith was secretly hoping for a wide receiver here, since, ya know, he lacks a true number one guy, however, in the end, the Group of Two's won out and a defensive player with the potential to stop the run was selected in order to allow them to trot out the first ever 5 Number Two Receivers package on offense.
30. - Brandon Flowers, CB, Virginia Tech
I'm running out of jokes here, so let's just say that both current starting corners have ages that begin in "3" that are double digit numbers...I'm only implying of course they're getting old, not that they'll be guarding receivers with their walking canes in the upcoming season...
31. - Kenny Phillips, S, Miami
No joke here, but congrats go out to Little Manning on getting hitched this past weekend. I'll wait til Saturday to make a final joke...
That's it for this edition of The Mock, stay tuned for Saturday's The Mock: Version 4.0 FINAL (2008 Lookin' Forward to 2009 Edition)!
- Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio State
- Jake Long, OT, Michigan
- Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College
- Chris Long, DE, Virginia
- Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
- Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
(from 49ers) - Branden Albert, OG, Virginia
- Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy
- Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
- Keith Rivers, LB, USC
- James Hardy, WR, Indiana
- Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois
- Ryan Clady, OT, Boise State
- Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville
- Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt
- Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tennessee State
- Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida
- Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon
- Devin Thomas, WR, Michigan State
- Antoine Cason, CB, Arizona
- Phillip Merling, DE, Clemson
(from Cleveland) - DeSean Jackson, WR, Cal
- Gosder Cherilus, OT, Boston College
- Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
- Dustin Keller, TE, Purdue
- Kentwan Balmer, DT, UNC
- Jeff Otah, OT, Pittsburgh
- Pat Sims, DT, Auburn
- Brandon Flowers, CB, Virginia Tech
- Kenny Phillips, S, Miami
