Crunked
02-14-2007, 08:54 AM
http://www.pigskinheaven.com/gallery/files/7/Turf-Toe.gif
The only Mock you will ever need....
Opening salvo's:
There is always a time every year, where this happens. Its the season of mockery, that is my time of year where everyone with internet access dreams up every excuse under the sun to tell me who my team is going to draft and why. There are hundreds if not thousands of them out there, from the self important Mel Kiper and his "big board" to the Draft King. They all share something in common, the closer it gets to the actual draft, the more sense they make, and the further away they are the more fanciful and self indulging their selections.
I really don't care who your team is taking, unless its my guy anyway, right? So I am going to take you on a different kind of trip one that Mocks the mockers....we are going to analyze the draft and make selections based solely on the players name. Because what is in a name? Everything!,.....If I say Ryan Leaf what comes to mind?..........If I say Ray Lewis what immediately is sparked in your subconcious? Now you see where I am going with this......and yeah, I hear you saying but Crunked we don't know these college guys to associate an image with, and maybe not, that is ok, we are going to give them something to forever be associated to by name only. Watch you will see what I mean.
They said it....
I would say [the franchise designation] is the last thing the player wants and probably the last thing the team wants, too," Briggs said last week. "It's not a good alternative to a long-term contract, that's for sure. Just thinking about it, I mean, it knocks the air out of you." -Lance Briggs
Breaking fabrication:
To get a truer measure of a backs worth this years combine will run the 40 while having up to 10 random people swing Louisville sluggers at the knee caps of the runners, the runner can choose to absorb the blow or avert it, shaving a little off his time, this will give teams a truer reading because no one in the NFL gets to run 40 yards untouched so who cares how fast they can run in that situation, coaches want to know who can run the 40 while avoiding injury the fastest, I say----good move
Ban-able phrases:
"A guy with a lot of up-side..."
"His 40 times were....."
"He has been a pleasant surprise...."
"He is a work out darling..."
Heart of the Matter:
Oakland - JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU -an excellent selection here, with a name like JaMarcus he will join, Fabian, ReShard, Marques,Adaminchobie, Anttaj, and Nnamdi. Perfect name to the perfect team.
Detroit - Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame -The Song refrain, "Come on without, come on within, you won't see nothing like the mighty Quinn" I don't know kind of strikes me as a sailing mans song, and what a great place for the Edmond Fitzgerald of Quarterbacks to sink.....
Cleveland - Alan Branch, DT, Michigan -This pick only makes sense to me based on the Patriot connection, its good to see Deion Branch's big little bro getting a shot
Tampa Bay - Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech -I picture a cross between the Cartoon Character Calvin and Hobbs and Chad Johnson, so a white kid with a cow lick bangs do, with some gold teeth running routes in the verb happy Gruden system...picturing teeth reflecting all that Florida sunlight...Cal----vin! quit smiling brutha.
Arizona - Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin -This pick is all wrong, all wrong, it has disaster written all over it, Joe Thomas is a good, Buffalo Bill name, ain't no one in the desert with a meat and potato's name. Anquan, Edgerrin meet your new blocker "Joe" no it just doesnt work for me....
Washington - Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas -Pffft....I had to spew my coffee out when I saw this, Come on people everyone knows Washington doesn't participate in the draft LOL.....but seriously here is a RB that blew out his knee, I thought he was done for, good to see him go back to school and get another shot, this time as DE...I have seen these experiments they never work, but I applaud the effort. Are there so many people on the planet that a name like Jamaal can be repeated on accident? I don't think so....
Minnesota - Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson -with a name like Gains atoms this guy should be a rocket scientist, and I would think someone no team would want, because you don't want your DE picking up things on his way to the QB, you want him there untethered, nope not a good choice here, too much baggage.
Houston - Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma -Wrong pick yet again for Houston, this guy clearly belongs in Philly two backing with Westbrook, "Yo Adrian" come on its classic.
Miami - LaRon Landry, S, LSU - Ok I am now convinced names like JaMarcus and LaRon exsist only because motown music has died, if there were more "La-la-la" and "Doo-Whop" songs in the world I wouldn't have to see people named with motown lyrics.....
Atlanta - Reggie Nelson, S, Florida -Reggie Nelson somehow reminds me Ozzie and Harriet Nelson, the "Leave it to Beavers" of a generation gone by, he won't survive in Hot-lanta, in fact its a mistake for him to go there, this would be a good pick for Minnesota, a good wholesome nanook of the north name, <---say that 10 times fast
San Francisco - Darrelle Revis, CB, Pitt -This isn't even a real name, where did that extra "e" come from anyway?.....this is an avant guard town so maybe its appropriate to have a fictional character play football there...I still think that was his middle intial and someone made a typo on the birth certificate.....
Buffalo - Levi Brown, OT, Penn St.-Heart Broken that Joe Thomas was unavailable the Bills did the next best thing and reached out for the next meat and potato's name on the list, good choice.
St. Louis - Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville -My first thought was that this was a mistake, then I started thinking about Leonard Little and all his drinking problems and it all made sense, since this kids name is what you might hear uttered by your buddy in a drunken stupor..."Hey may you alright? .."Am-obi-Okoy-e" you sure your "going to be okay?" "ye-aaaah I'm, I'm fi-fi-fineeee"
Carolina - Patrick Willis, LB, Ole Miss -What you talking about Willis? this is a do nothing pick that will do nothing for them,.......should have went with "Buster" you need some smack at the LB position.
Pittsburgh - Quentin Moses, DE/OLB, Georgia -This is a great biblical/historical combo for a name, I think its too much overkill for Steel town, they usually have those hard working misfits, this name seems to mainstream to mesh, we will see though.....
Green Bay - Dwayne Jarrett, WR, USC -Hey found out where that extra "e" goes, DW-ayne why stop there name the kid DWYN if you are too lazy to buy a vowel sheesh!
Jacksonville - Paul Posluszny, LB, Penn St. -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuurghhhhh a great LB name this guy will be phenomenal the best player in the draft based on name alone...that is , before he went to Jax, this kid should be in Chicago where a great name like his belongs, what a shame.
Cincinnati - Quinn Pitcock, DT, Ohio St. -Another Quinn, but seriously for a QB that works for me, but as a QB do you get scared when you hear this...close your eyes and say this out loud.."The Bengals are brining pressure with Quinn Pitcock" if I am the opponent I am not scared by that name, in fact I chuckle a bit and say, "he said pitcock"......
Tennessee - Ted Ginn, WR, Ohio St. -Ginn in moonshine country, man that makes sense to me, great selection....
NY Giants - Marshawn Lynch, RB, Cal - I have never seen a Martian but I do believe in UFO's and ain't no little green man going to replace the Tiki torch.... bad bad choice here.....
Denver - Victor Abiamiri, DE, Notre Dame -This goes to my newest working theory, anyone whose name begins and ends with a vowel will not intimidate me, it sounds more like dyslexic Bingo..
Dallas - Justin Blalock, OL, Texas -Blalock is like the new Smith or Jones, this can't be Mookie's little brother, or his name would be Jookie, or Dookie or something, I dont know this kid, but he is copying some sporting greats with the Blalock name...High standards kid, high standards indeed.
Kansas City - Robert Meachem, WR, Tennessee -Wrong choice yet again, you see why these Mocks are not that accurate, this kid has a Hollywood type name and since there are no teams in Hollywood the closest I can get this kid to stardom is to send him to the Chargers, so off with you....
New England (from Sea) - Leon Hall, CB, Michigan -and here is the guy KC should take, see one team screws up and it all goes to a warm eternal vaction spot in a handbag....
NY Jets - Aaron Ross, CB, Texas -A name so boring even I can't make fun of it, he probably shouldn't even be in the draft with a name this bland....
Philadelphia - Lawrence Timmons, LB, Florida St. -This kid has a good name for a LB, but I thought Andy Reid's history was to shy away from LB'ers in the first round.....what the heck he has the name for the position, take him Andy...
New Orleans - Daymeion Hughes, CB, Cal -sigh. another motown name, the extra "Y-o" give it away..."yo Detroit, go Detroit"
New England - Buster Davis, LB, Florida St. -I know what you are thinking here, damn straight we done went and got us a LB, come on Coach B, imagine him in practice calling out this guy, "Pardon me Buster could you put down the MC mike and turn your helmet straight quit being a rapping thug and pay attention to what I am trying to teach you here", yeah this fails on too many levels to me
Baltimore - Jarvis Moss, DE, Florida - If your name is Jarvis, ...."Elanor Rigsby keeps her face in a Jarvis by the door, what is it for?" this kid needs to be in Minnesota, its a good Viking name for more than just the Moss....
San Diego - Sidney Rice, WR, South Carolina -BUZZZZ! This is a Tampa guy, he has Tampa Bay written all over his birth certificate, if they chose this guy they are screwing up soooooooo, bad.
Chicago - Zach Miller, TE, Arizona St.- Now see because someone screwed up earlier they are forced to take what is clearly a Pittsburgh pick, they don't even need a TE, this is just wrong....
Indianapolis - Earl Everett, LB, Florida- Lets count the ways this is wrong, first off Earl is an illegal word in the state of Indiana, its true...so that would be problem #1 Everett, that would screw up the whole ball of wax, there is no one worth knowing in Indy with a name like Everett, and lastly Dungy has never taken a LB, first round, why start now, with, "Earl. earl, earl, your face looks like a squirrels..."(SIDE BAR)
The above draft order was taken randomly from 25 choices, I cut and pasted the order and immediately closed all 25 windows so that I would not know who's draft order this specifically is.......
Crunked Says:
"Why can't legislators outlaw names that begin and end with a vowel? If you cant be creative enough to name your kid with a word from arguably the dilect with the most verbage, ever known to man you should not be allowed to make one up"
The best-the worst-the ugliest of the week
Best
Ahhh, my favorite love is seeing all these "journalists" at the 3 and 4 letter.coms act like they know something....here are some of my favorites....Power Rankings <---I would put the teams that surprised as the surprise teams, and maybe the Colts at #1 I got a feeling they may just win the Super Bowl that was played a few weeks ago....Mr. Obvious here, The Bears should stick with Rex, The Colts better be prepared for teams to treat them like Champs...Teams that need players better be looking for them, great stuff guys....keep feeding me all the most important cutting edge stuff.
Worst
Has to be the Wonderlic Test. I mean first off the name alone sounds like something that might happen to a college freshman pledging a fraternity or sorority. Here is how pointless this test is, Manning scored a 28, Grossman a 29. Vince Young is in the Pro-Bowl his rookie year with an 8. If I am a GM, I want the guy who got a 1 on this test...he wont be smart enough to negotiate the best deal and he will be one heck of a football player.
Ugliest
http://img462.imageshack.us/img462/5825/toebulletiz0.gif By far this weeks ugliest move is the dropping of the Marty Ball, yeah, yeah I hear he can't win in the playoffs true enough, I really think he is the one person in the league that legitimately has a monkey, thats not the point. If that were the point he would never have been hired in the first place, right? Come on, dysfunction aside this is a tackily <---hey I am making up words now whoo-hoo----> timed move by a classless organization, obviously there was tension there, has been for a while, its no state secret. His coordinators moving on, and the GM and coach butting heads on replacements? Why is the GM involved in this, I mean he is supposed to be the money man of the organization, he ascertains the players and personel the coach wants, and makes it fit the budget. If he wants to coach take off the suit and grab a whistle...Would I have fired Marty? Well its a trick question, because I wouldn't have hired him, but if I accepted his short comings, I wouldn't then turn it on him...that is a GM and an Owner just looking for an excuse, bad, bad, bad, sports I say.....
The only Mock you will ever need....
Opening salvo's:
There is always a time every year, where this happens. Its the season of mockery, that is my time of year where everyone with internet access dreams up every excuse under the sun to tell me who my team is going to draft and why. There are hundreds if not thousands of them out there, from the self important Mel Kiper and his "big board" to the Draft King. They all share something in common, the closer it gets to the actual draft, the more sense they make, and the further away they are the more fanciful and self indulging their selections.
I really don't care who your team is taking, unless its my guy anyway, right? So I am going to take you on a different kind of trip one that Mocks the mockers....we are going to analyze the draft and make selections based solely on the players name. Because what is in a name? Everything!,.....If I say Ryan Leaf what comes to mind?..........If I say Ray Lewis what immediately is sparked in your subconcious? Now you see where I am going with this......and yeah, I hear you saying but Crunked we don't know these college guys to associate an image with, and maybe not, that is ok, we are going to give them something to forever be associated to by name only. Watch you will see what I mean.
They said it....
I would say [the franchise designation] is the last thing the player wants and probably the last thing the team wants, too," Briggs said last week. "It's not a good alternative to a long-term contract, that's for sure. Just thinking about it, I mean, it knocks the air out of you." -Lance Briggs
Breaking fabrication:
To get a truer measure of a backs worth this years combine will run the 40 while having up to 10 random people swing Louisville sluggers at the knee caps of the runners, the runner can choose to absorb the blow or avert it, shaving a little off his time, this will give teams a truer reading because no one in the NFL gets to run 40 yards untouched so who cares how fast they can run in that situation, coaches want to know who can run the 40 while avoiding injury the fastest, I say----good move
Ban-able phrases:
"A guy with a lot of up-side..."
"His 40 times were....."
"He has been a pleasant surprise...."
"He is a work out darling..."
Heart of the Matter:
Oakland - JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU -an excellent selection here, with a name like JaMarcus he will join, Fabian, ReShard, Marques,Adaminchobie, Anttaj, and Nnamdi. Perfect name to the perfect team.
Detroit - Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame -The Song refrain, "Come on without, come on within, you won't see nothing like the mighty Quinn" I don't know kind of strikes me as a sailing mans song, and what a great place for the Edmond Fitzgerald of Quarterbacks to sink.....
Cleveland - Alan Branch, DT, Michigan -This pick only makes sense to me based on the Patriot connection, its good to see Deion Branch's big little bro getting a shot
Tampa Bay - Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech -I picture a cross between the Cartoon Character Calvin and Hobbs and Chad Johnson, so a white kid with a cow lick bangs do, with some gold teeth running routes in the verb happy Gruden system...picturing teeth reflecting all that Florida sunlight...Cal----vin! quit smiling brutha.
Arizona - Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin -This pick is all wrong, all wrong, it has disaster written all over it, Joe Thomas is a good, Buffalo Bill name, ain't no one in the desert with a meat and potato's name. Anquan, Edgerrin meet your new blocker "Joe" no it just doesnt work for me....
Washington - Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas -Pffft....I had to spew my coffee out when I saw this, Come on people everyone knows Washington doesn't participate in the draft LOL.....but seriously here is a RB that blew out his knee, I thought he was done for, good to see him go back to school and get another shot, this time as DE...I have seen these experiments they never work, but I applaud the effort. Are there so many people on the planet that a name like Jamaal can be repeated on accident? I don't think so....
Minnesota - Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson -with a name like Gains atoms this guy should be a rocket scientist, and I would think someone no team would want, because you don't want your DE picking up things on his way to the QB, you want him there untethered, nope not a good choice here, too much baggage.
Houston - Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma -Wrong pick yet again for Houston, this guy clearly belongs in Philly two backing with Westbrook, "Yo Adrian" come on its classic.
Miami - LaRon Landry, S, LSU - Ok I am now convinced names like JaMarcus and LaRon exsist only because motown music has died, if there were more "La-la-la" and "Doo-Whop" songs in the world I wouldn't have to see people named with motown lyrics.....
Atlanta - Reggie Nelson, S, Florida -Reggie Nelson somehow reminds me Ozzie and Harriet Nelson, the "Leave it to Beavers" of a generation gone by, he won't survive in Hot-lanta, in fact its a mistake for him to go there, this would be a good pick for Minnesota, a good wholesome nanook of the north name, <---say that 10 times fast
San Francisco - Darrelle Revis, CB, Pitt -This isn't even a real name, where did that extra "e" come from anyway?.....this is an avant guard town so maybe its appropriate to have a fictional character play football there...I still think that was his middle intial and someone made a typo on the birth certificate.....
Buffalo - Levi Brown, OT, Penn St.-Heart Broken that Joe Thomas was unavailable the Bills did the next best thing and reached out for the next meat and potato's name on the list, good choice.
St. Louis - Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville -My first thought was that this was a mistake, then I started thinking about Leonard Little and all his drinking problems and it all made sense, since this kids name is what you might hear uttered by your buddy in a drunken stupor..."Hey may you alright? .."Am-obi-Okoy-e" you sure your "going to be okay?" "ye-aaaah I'm, I'm fi-fi-fineeee"
Carolina - Patrick Willis, LB, Ole Miss -What you talking about Willis? this is a do nothing pick that will do nothing for them,.......should have went with "Buster" you need some smack at the LB position.
Pittsburgh - Quentin Moses, DE/OLB, Georgia -This is a great biblical/historical combo for a name, I think its too much overkill for Steel town, they usually have those hard working misfits, this name seems to mainstream to mesh, we will see though.....
Green Bay - Dwayne Jarrett, WR, USC -Hey found out where that extra "e" goes, DW-ayne why stop there name the kid DWYN if you are too lazy to buy a vowel sheesh!
Jacksonville - Paul Posluszny, LB, Penn St. -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuurghhhhh a great LB name this guy will be phenomenal the best player in the draft based on name alone...that is , before he went to Jax, this kid should be in Chicago where a great name like his belongs, what a shame.
Cincinnati - Quinn Pitcock, DT, Ohio St. -Another Quinn, but seriously for a QB that works for me, but as a QB do you get scared when you hear this...close your eyes and say this out loud.."The Bengals are brining pressure with Quinn Pitcock" if I am the opponent I am not scared by that name, in fact I chuckle a bit and say, "he said pitcock"......
Tennessee - Ted Ginn, WR, Ohio St. -Ginn in moonshine country, man that makes sense to me, great selection....
NY Giants - Marshawn Lynch, RB, Cal - I have never seen a Martian but I do believe in UFO's and ain't no little green man going to replace the Tiki torch.... bad bad choice here.....
Denver - Victor Abiamiri, DE, Notre Dame -This goes to my newest working theory, anyone whose name begins and ends with a vowel will not intimidate me, it sounds more like dyslexic Bingo..
Dallas - Justin Blalock, OL, Texas -Blalock is like the new Smith or Jones, this can't be Mookie's little brother, or his name would be Jookie, or Dookie or something, I dont know this kid, but he is copying some sporting greats with the Blalock name...High standards kid, high standards indeed.
Kansas City - Robert Meachem, WR, Tennessee -Wrong choice yet again, you see why these Mocks are not that accurate, this kid has a Hollywood type name and since there are no teams in Hollywood the closest I can get this kid to stardom is to send him to the Chargers, so off with you....
New England (from Sea) - Leon Hall, CB, Michigan -and here is the guy KC should take, see one team screws up and it all goes to a warm eternal vaction spot in a handbag....
NY Jets - Aaron Ross, CB, Texas -A name so boring even I can't make fun of it, he probably shouldn't even be in the draft with a name this bland....
Philadelphia - Lawrence Timmons, LB, Florida St. -This kid has a good name for a LB, but I thought Andy Reid's history was to shy away from LB'ers in the first round.....what the heck he has the name for the position, take him Andy...
New Orleans - Daymeion Hughes, CB, Cal -sigh. another motown name, the extra "Y-o" give it away..."yo Detroit, go Detroit"
New England - Buster Davis, LB, Florida St. -I know what you are thinking here, damn straight we done went and got us a LB, come on Coach B, imagine him in practice calling out this guy, "Pardon me Buster could you put down the MC mike and turn your helmet straight quit being a rapping thug and pay attention to what I am trying to teach you here", yeah this fails on too many levels to me
Baltimore - Jarvis Moss, DE, Florida - If your name is Jarvis, ...."Elanor Rigsby keeps her face in a Jarvis by the door, what is it for?" this kid needs to be in Minnesota, its a good Viking name for more than just the Moss....
San Diego - Sidney Rice, WR, South Carolina -BUZZZZ! This is a Tampa guy, he has Tampa Bay written all over his birth certificate, if they chose this guy they are screwing up soooooooo, bad.
Chicago - Zach Miller, TE, Arizona St.- Now see because someone screwed up earlier they are forced to take what is clearly a Pittsburgh pick, they don't even need a TE, this is just wrong....
Indianapolis - Earl Everett, LB, Florida- Lets count the ways this is wrong, first off Earl is an illegal word in the state of Indiana, its true...so that would be problem #1 Everett, that would screw up the whole ball of wax, there is no one worth knowing in Indy with a name like Everett, and lastly Dungy has never taken a LB, first round, why start now, with, "Earl. earl, earl, your face looks like a squirrels..."(SIDE BAR)
The above draft order was taken randomly from 25 choices, I cut and pasted the order and immediately closed all 25 windows so that I would not know who's draft order this specifically is.......
Crunked Says:
"Why can't legislators outlaw names that begin and end with a vowel? If you cant be creative enough to name your kid with a word from arguably the dilect with the most verbage, ever known to man you should not be allowed to make one up"
The best-the worst-the ugliest of the week
Best
Ahhh, my favorite love is seeing all these "journalists" at the 3 and 4 letter.coms act like they know something....here are some of my favorites....Power Rankings <---I would put the teams that surprised as the surprise teams, and maybe the Colts at #1 I got a feeling they may just win the Super Bowl that was played a few weeks ago....Mr. Obvious here, The Bears should stick with Rex, The Colts better be prepared for teams to treat them like Champs...Teams that need players better be looking for them, great stuff guys....keep feeding me all the most important cutting edge stuff.
Worst
Has to be the Wonderlic Test. I mean first off the name alone sounds like something that might happen to a college freshman pledging a fraternity or sorority. Here is how pointless this test is, Manning scored a 28, Grossman a 29. Vince Young is in the Pro-Bowl his rookie year with an 8. If I am a GM, I want the guy who got a 1 on this test...he wont be smart enough to negotiate the best deal and he will be one heck of a football player.
Ugliest
http://img462.imageshack.us/img462/5825/toebulletiz0.gif By far this weeks ugliest move is the dropping of the Marty Ball, yeah, yeah I hear he can't win in the playoffs true enough, I really think he is the one person in the league that legitimately has a monkey, thats not the point. If that were the point he would never have been hired in the first place, right? Come on, dysfunction aside this is a tackily <---hey I am making up words now whoo-hoo----> timed move by a classless organization, obviously there was tension there, has been for a while, its no state secret. His coordinators moving on, and the GM and coach butting heads on replacements? Why is the GM involved in this, I mean he is supposed to be the money man of the organization, he ascertains the players and personel the coach wants, and makes it fit the budget. If he wants to coach take off the suit and grab a whistle...Would I have fired Marty? Well its a trick question, because I wouldn't have hired him, but if I accepted his short comings, I wouldn't then turn it on him...that is a GM and an Owner just looking for an excuse, bad, bad, bad, sports I say.....