The predictions are for real. The reasons are not.
With training camp upon us, and preseason about to make itself known to
football starved, basketball saturated sports fans, we can begin to
start speculating about the forthcoming football season. Some of you
guys have been doing so already...and so have I. These predictions
themselves I stand behind. Their reasoning, well...could only possibly
come from my wild imagination. Which coaches will be fired at season's
end? What wide receiver will suffer a season ending injury? Where will
Brett Favre go and what are the trade terms? Read on and find out!!
1. The Buffalo Bills will earn a wild card berth. The boys from
Buffalo have been in the thick of things the last few years when the
temperatures dropped and the playoff race heated up. This year is the
year they finally break through and get the #6 seed. All made possible
to Kevin Everett’s miraculous recovery serving as motivation.
Unfortunately, other players are starting to think they’re equally as
incredible, as Roscoe Parrish recently tried (and failed) to turn
Gatorade into wine.
2. Bill Parcells’ plan to rebuild the Dolphins will backfire in his face.
He got rid of Cleo Lemon, Marty Booker, and Jason Taylor. Though some
in Miami are questioning his motives, many will be pleased to see Miami
win more than one game this season (they’ll win 6). All will seem to be
going according to plan, until Parcells announces his intentions to
change the team name from Dolphins to Tuna. Outraged…he will be ousted
unceremoniously as he is placed on a raft and pushed over to Cuba, in a
sort of reverse Elian Gonzalez type deal.
3. Bill Belichick will crack a smile at some point during the regular season. Predictions don’t get much bolder than that. Oh yeah, they’ll also go undefeated again. That's the easy part.
4. The Jets will finish dead last in the AFC East. With a
quarterback battle brewing in New York between Pennington, Clemens, and
maybe even Favre (not so much…keep reading) brewing, the Jets will be
torn over the proper way to approach the season. They’ll finish a
meager 4-12 as they did in 2005, and Eric Mangini will find himself on
the hot seat…not because of the QB quandary, but because he brought in
Ahmad Carroll. Who honestly thought that was a good idea??
5. John Harbaugh will go one and done in his coaching tenure.
The Brian Billick era has come to a close in Maryland, which means a
new face for the fans to turn their backs on and hate. He will start
Kyle Boller over the late-resurgent Troy Smith and Joe Flacco, causing
fans to riot. Mark Clayton will lead the surge, since no one gets him
the ball, leading to 200,000 people chasing Harbaugh out of town with
pointy tools and torches. Meanwhile, Ray Rice will apply for
re-admission at Rutgers.
6. Chad Johnson will have the most elaborate touchdown celebration in history.
For their Christmas-time game, Chad will score a touchdown and run into
the tunnel. After 5-7 seconds, he will emerge on a giant Santa sled
pulled by 8 Bengal cheerleaders, and he will go up and down the field
with an air cannon, shooting merchandise into the stands. It’s a
celebration so grandiose, Roger Goodell will have no choice but to fine
himself $7,500.
7. The Cleveland Browns will win the AFC North in 2008.
Disappointed by their inability to control their own destiny and leave
it in the hands of those punks (Titans), the Browns will come out
firing on all cylinders in 2008. Derek Anderson will be dislocating
fingers, Phil Dawson will be getting a little cocky and start
intentionally doing tricks when kicking field goals, both of which will
be catalysts for this team one their way to 11 wins, as the Bengals
sputter yet again, the Steelers fall just short, and the Ravens,
well…you know.
8. Hines Ward will suffer a season-ending injury midway through the season.
Despite being an all-around good guy and a sensational wideout, Ward
will find himself in a heap of trouble during their second game with
the Ravens. After catching a 45 yard touchdown pass and beaming with
pride, Ray Lewis will run up to him and lay a late hit to end all late
hits upon him. Ward will be ok, however. The fact that his left front
tooth and three lower teeth will be knocked out will sideline him for
the rest of the season. A non-smiling Hines Ward isn’t the Hines Ward
for me.
9. The Houston Texans will finish this season with a winning mark.
Although they’ll fall a bit short of the playoffs this year, they’ll
certainly make the most noise they ever have since their inception.
Third round pick Steve Slaton will give the Texans a ground spark…and
Andre Johnson will continue his playmaking ways. They’ll make such a
name for themselves, die hard football fans will now be able to name
more than five players on the team.
10. The Indianapolis Colts will win 15 games this season. This
really isn’t so much of a bold prediction, but perhaps more of a
foregone conclusion. Dungy will sit Peyton Manning for week 17’s game,
and make Jim Sorgi throw the game so that they don’t go through the
whole “undefeated” business like New England did last year. It’s not
healthy. It leads to bum foots and major upsets.
11. The Jacksonville Jaguars will miss the playoffs by a late-scenario tiebreaker.
David Garrard’s emergence as a starting QB since the departure of Byron
Leftwich should spark this team to another double-digit win total.
However, Buffalo will nudge them out and earn the berth on a ridiculous
tiebreaker, something like most net touchdowns, leaving the Jags to sit
at home for January. Nobody will care, however.
12. Vince Young will lead the Titans to a tie for best record in the AFC South.
With Peyton Manning hobbling around after surgery, Vince Young will
seize the opportunity to rack up 12 wins with the Titans and share
first place with the Colts. A tiebreaker will force the Titans to take
the #5 seed, however. Invigorated by his success and progression,
however, in Week 17, Young will get himself suspended for the first
round of the playoffs. After throwing his 25th touchdown pass, he will
run to the sidelines and hoist a sign that proudly states “SUCK ON THIS
HOUSTON!”
13. Jay Cutler will register his best season to date. His type
1 diabetes diagnosis will not hold him back as he leads the Broncos to
his first winning season since high school. Cutler’s success will
please Wilford Brimley, as the two will strike a deal to collaborate on
producing and starring in diabetic testing supplies commercials to air
during The Price is Right.
14. Herm Edwards will be fired at the end of the season. “You
play…to win…the game.” So he says. The Chiefs, however…pay…to win…the
game. Don’t win games? Don’t get paid. That simple. 5-11 for KC.
15. The Oakland Raiders will win three games or fewer in 2008.
JaMarcus Russell may be large and in charge, but I still see Lane
Kiffin sophomore slumping in his second year as Raiders skipper. Don’t
think that adding failed Vegas tour guide Javon Walker will make any
difference…the running game is far too weak and the defense simply
isn’t potent enough. Oh yeah…Al Davis is still there. And until he
croaks…the team will keep croaking.
16. Phillip Rivers will start the season as Chargers quarterback…but won’t end it in that position.
A vibrant young talent with an ego too big for himself, Rivers will
find himself in a bit of hot water at some point this season. During
their annual trip to Kansas City, a fan will mock a Rivers
interception, rather unceremoniously, by throwing a ¾ full beer bottle
at him. Angered not so much by the toss, but for wasting perfectly good
and sinisterly expensive beer, Rivers will Ron Artest-like charge the
stands and throw a few punches. Meanwhile, Billy Volek will get up and
start stretching.
17. Tony Romo will set the single-season passing touchdown record.
Peyton Manning did it in 2004, Tom Brady last year, and now I see Romo
bombing more than 53 touchdown passes this year. He has extra
motivation going for him too, his desire to impress his girlfriends,
including (but not limited to), Carrie Underwood, Jessica Simpson, Eva
Longoria, Kate Beckinsale, Angelina Jolie, Pamela Anderson, Cindy
Margolis, Natalie Gulbis, Jessica Alba, Tara Reid, Heather Graham,
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Maria Menunous, Dennis Kucinich’s hot wife, Jill
the cheerleader, and the girl who holds the K balls who gives him
googly eyes on the bench all game long.
18. Justin Tuck will register 15 or more sacks in 2008. With
Michael Strahan’s retirement, there is left a mighty big vacancy in the
defensive line for the G-Men. And one of last year’s surprises for the
Superbowl champion Giants was Justin Tuck, who looks to explode into
the starting role in 2008 and make a giant (pun intended) splash. Once
the Strahan comparisons begin, Tuck will undergo extensive surgery to
separate his two front teeth.
19. Donovan McNabb will finish the regular season without missing a game due to injury.
Torn ACL’s and sports hernias have taken their toll on #5 over the
years, but this year he manages to avoid them. With a new health
regimen this past season, such as going on Nurta-System (‘cause all the
good quarterbacks are doing it) and joining Bally ® Total Fitness at
the request of the cute girl who does the commercials…McNabb will be a
lean, mean, touchdown throwing machine. Until he Culpeppers his knee in
wild- card weekend of course.
20. Jason Taylor will do absolutely nothing with the Washington Redskins.
With the supposed blockbuster trade sending JT to the Redskins, the men
in maroon are talking playoffs (take it Coach Mora). However, Taylor’s
new limber self since Dancing With the Stars is no match for the
elusive Eli Manning. Inspired by his McNair-esque escape in Superbowl
XLII, he and some fellow quarterbacks has their own little gig this
offseason…Limbo With the Stars! Now, whenever Taylor approaches Eli or
any other quarterback, they will lean backwards causing Taylor to
completely miss and faceplant into the turf. Oh the hilarity.
21. The Bears will at some point, start a quarterback not named Rex Grossman or Kyle Orton.
True to typical Bears form, the quarterback merry-go-round will be in
full force for 2008 (for cripe sake they’re flipping coins in training
camp). By week 14, both men will either be in injured reserve or thrown
more interceptions in 13 games than Brett Favre had in 13 seasons.
Therefore, a sweepstakes will be held amongst citizens of the Windy
City to determine who will become the next Bears QB. The favorite to
win is Steve Bartman, whom Chicago fans wouldn’t mind seeing take a few
licks out there.
22. The Detroit Lions will finish with a winning season, at 9-7.
Rod Marinelli will have nothing to do with it. Jon Kitna won’t either.
Nor will Roy Williams or Calvin Johnson. No, in fact, inspired by the
antics of Brett Favre, Barry Sanders will get off the couch and apply
for reinstatement with the Detroit Lions, sparking a team that’s been
all ‘meow,’ and no roar the last few years…now that Kevin Jones is
gone. Roger Goodell will get a hearty laugh out of it at first, but
then realizing that he’s dead serious, will have no choice but to
comply.
23. Ryan Grant will lead the league in rushing in 2008. With
the Brett Favre saga holding the Packers in its icy clutches, and no
one knowing who will take the field at quarterback, Mike McCarthy will
take drastic measures. No one will play quarterback for the Packers.
They’ll play two-TE sets all season long, and direct snap it to Grant
all game long. By my estimates he will rack up 3,744 yards. Chew on
that Eric Dickerson.
24. Brad Childress will sign an extension after his 2008 campaign.
Much to the chagrin of the Viking populace, Childress may very well be
sticking around, as the Vikings make some serious noise in the NFC.
Tarvaris Jackson will rack up record breaking numbers sure to endear
himself to the fine ladies of Minneapolis. Adrian Peterson will
certainly not sophomore slump, as he racks up rushing yards and
touchdowns like they’re going out of style (much like the VCR and
Angelina Jolie’s baby adopting scheme).
25. Matt Ryan will at some point be benched in favor of Chris Redman.
Atlanta’s new million dollar man will wind up being anything but…as he
will find himself bolted to the pine as Chris Redman starts…a man who
came along strong towards the end of last season. Disgraced and
disgruntled, Ryan will send an email at 3 AM to management and bail for
Arkansas.
26. John Fox will be fired at the conclusion of the season.
With Jake Delhomme regressing more and more since his Superbowl surge
five years ago, and Carolina’s failure to land any significant
playmakers, the Asheville faithful will begin to turn on Fox and his
regime. See Baltimore Ravens prediction for complete details. Steve
Smith leads this madding crowd.
27. The New Orleans Saints will earn a first round bye for the 08-09 playoffs.
Their Mardi Gras hangovers and fines long forgotten, the Saints will
find themselves marching into the divisional round of the playoffs.
Drew Brees will become all buddy-buddy with Jeremy Shockey, and Reggie
Bush will break out for a 1,000+ rushing yard season. And after every
touchdown, the cheerleaders will throw beads into the crowd in
celebration. Keep your shirts on you 300 pound guys.
28. Brett Favre will find himself in a Buccaneers uniform at some point in 2008.
With Chris Simms’ organs all discombobulated, Gradkowski out, Jeff
Garcia whining, and Luke McCown having the last name McCown, Jon Gruden
will find himself making Ted Thompson an offer he simply cannot refuse.
The Buccaneers get Favre, a seventh round pick for 2009, and some snowy
weather for the playoffs. The Packers get two day 1 picks in the 2009
draft, their own pirate ship, and Thompson gets 20 minutes alone with
Jeff Garcia’s hot wife.
29. The Arizona Cardinals will FINALLY make the playoffs. After
years of trying, and talk of “this just might be OUR year”…it finally
will be the year the Cardinals nab a wild card berth at 9-7. To
celebrate, Matt Leinart will throw a giant party.
30. The 49ers will earn themselves a top-5 pick in the 2009 NFL Draft.
Alex Smith is still trying to emerge. Frank Gore is still trying to
stay healthy. The defense is still trying to stop offenses. And Mike
Nolan is still trying not to kill someone. ‘Nuff said.
31. Shaun Alexander will be missed more than the Seahawks initially believed.
Julius Jones had always been second banana to Marion Barber in Dallas,
and I don’t see him emerging into his own, even to the degree of the
slumping Shaun Alexander. In an effort to salvage the season (even
though they’ll take the division with a shoddy 10-6), they will send a
fruit basket and some Crest WhiteStrips to Shaun.
32. Marc Bulger will earn a trip to the Pro Bowl for his efforts this season.
In an effort to compensate for all the time he missed last year and for
the mess that doofus Gus Frerotte got the Rams in last year, Bulger
will record one of his finest seasons to date. 30 touchdown passes to
10 interceptions will be his final ballpark numbers as the Rams improve
to 8-8, just barely missing the playoffs. Seen as a success, they will
spend January celebrating by dropping stuff from the top of the Gateway
Arch.
