Those who know me around the site know that my favorite things are
football, comedy, and throwing the two together. There are times
however when I can’t settle on one topic to make fun of…much like now.
So what the hey, let’s throw them all in! So here we go...four Top Ten
Lists to get you ready for the draft, and a good offseason laugh.
Top Ten Reasons the NFL is $9 Billion in Debt:
10. Toilets in New York City office made of platinum.
9. Initiation to the NFL family? Swallow a $100 bill.
8. Pete Rozelle’s still getting paychecks.
7. Roger Goodell wanted to see what “making it rain” was really like.
6. Due to a clerical error, instead of donating $250,000 to the
Make-A-Wish Foundation, Tagliabue accidentally donated $250,000,000.
5. C’mon…gas is almost $4 a gallon!
4. Two words. Bear Stearns.
3. Once, the Lombardi trophy was made of white gold.
2. There are plans in 2008 to replace injury carts with Rolls Royces.
1. George Bush and Roger Goodell are working on having the Superbowl on Mars.
Top Ten Excuses NFL Films Executives Gave for Laying off 21 People:
10. Come on, all we need is someone to push “Play.”
9. Some wise guy thought it would be funny to insert a frame with a naked lady in the middle of the Superbowl 28 highlights.
8. Everyone already knows how the games end.
7. Being outdone by fierce rival, AFL Films.
6. John Elway won’t come out of retirement to create more sweet drives.
5. Can’t get that grainy black and white style of recording anymore.
4. Nobody can compete with Steve Sabol’s dreaminess.
3. Somebody flipped the light switch in the darkroom. Now, all of 1974 and part of 1975 are gone.
2. Once Brett Favre left, so did the magic.
1. Come on, the number we fired is less than Bush’s approval rating.
Top Ten Things We Might See at the 2008 Draft:
10. Roger Goodell will announce a draft pick without pants.
9. All first round picks will slam a pint of Bud Light on stage.
8. Mel Kiper will run onstage in a frenzied panic because someone knocked his board over.
7. George Bush will encourage everyone to not run off to Canada.
6. When a pick is being announced, Pacman Jones will throw himself at Goodell’s feet and beg for reinstatement.
5. A confused Bobby Knight will wander in and take a seat with Chris Berman and the gang while Mort’s in the can.
4. Miami won’t be able to decide which Long they want, so Jake and Chris will rock-paper-scissors it out.
3. When Mort returns and demands his seat back, Knight will get ticked
off and throw the chair into the back of Matt Ryan’s head, ending his
career before it starts.
2. One team will trade their 2008 second, fifth, and seventh round
picks, 2009 third and fourth round picks, 2010 second and sixth round
picks, 2011 first and third round picks, and 2012 fourth and sixth
round picks to another team for a linebacker, their 2008 third and
fifth round picks, their 2009 first and third round picks, their 2010
fourth, fifth, and seventh round picks, their 2011 third and seventh
round picks, and a Twix Bar.
1. Everytime a mock draft is wrong, creator takes a shot.
Top Ten Ways to Make the NFL More Exciting in 2008:
10. At some point during the game, the ball explodes.
9. Wide receivers now required to wear giant foam fingers for one offensive series.
8. Strippers on the goalposts.
7. After every delay of game penalty, release the hyenas.
6. Replace helmets with sombreros.
5. New York Giants games now held on the Turnpike
4. Every time a player leaps into the stands, you get to keep him!
3. After the game, one lucky fan gets to rummage through the bin of dirty jerseys.
