By RUPackers30
Published: March 27, 2008 PrintEmail
I'll be the first to tell you, I don't know a damn thing about the
draft, how in the world Mel Kiper or Raiden come up with their insights
on who goes where, or why the first round has to last for almost two
years. I do know, however, how to poke fun at things. So here we go
everyone...if Gregg Easterbrook can, so can I...a mock mock draft.
Could your team draft Bill Gates? Or the oldest person in the world?
How about last year's Playmate of the Year? Read and find out!!
1. Miami Dolphins – George Kooymans, vocalist for Golden Earring.
The Dolphins were a one hit wonder this past year, much like Golden
Earring was with Radar Love. You know, one success amongst a bunch of
other failures. For Miami, it’s half past four, time to shift gears,
and speed into a new sunrise. C’mon Huizenga…send that comfort comin’
in from above!!
2. St. Louis Rams – Richard Simmons, exercise guru. Three
wins and the inability to stay healthy is prompting coach Scott Linehan
to take drastic…DRASTIC measures. The flamboyance of Richard Simmons is
sure to get this team in playing shape in time for kickoff in
September. If nothing else, well, he’s good for non-stop ridiculing and
a laugh. 3 wins will bum you out you know.
3. Atlanta Falcons – Bob, Enzyte commercial star. The
team is in shambles, Vick’s in the slammer, Petrino bounced for more
Arkansas-y pastures, leaving the Falcons with three wins and a sense of
dejection. That’s where Bob comes in. His dopey smiling face and
can’t-help-but-laugh-uncontrollably background music is just what this
team needs to boost their spirits. Enzyte itself likely unnecessary.
4. Oakland Raiders – Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft. Al
Davis had that wallet wide open this offseason, throwing cash and
contracts to anyone and everyone. Tommy Kelly signed for $50.5 million,
the largest deal for a DE. DeAngelo Hall signed for $70 million. That
dollar must be really weak after all. At this rate, Davis will rack up
so much of a debt he may need to wheel and deal with Billy to get some
of that cash back. And while he’s at it…shell out some for the rest of
us who can’t figure out Vista!
5. Kansas City Chiefs – Collection of maps of Missouri.
Apparently most of the star players got lost on their way to the
stadium, instead went to wrong Kansas City. The practice squad guys
knew where they were going. NOW that 4-12 record makes sense.
6. New York Jets – Captain Oveur, hilarious “Airplane!” pilot.
Let’s face it…you and I both know the Jets aren’t going anywhere this
year. So let’s at least have some fun with this guy! Sure he may ask
about Turkish prisons, gladiator movies and grown men au natural, but
at least he’ll take away the sting from whatever clunkers Gang Green
throws in this year. Just stay away from the fish.
7. New England Patriots – Allan Funt, host of Candid Camera. Still a reference people.
8. Baltimore Ravens – Edgar Allan Poe, poet.
“Then this ivory quarterback beguiling Baltimore’s sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of Brian Billick’s regime it wore,
`Though thy arm be strong and accurate, thou,' I said, `art sure no Dilfer.
Ghastly offensive production and ancient raven wandering into the M&T’s door
Tell me when thy lordly self will return to the Superbowl shore!'
Quoth Kyle Boller, `Nevermore.'”
9. Cincinnati Bengals – Sigfried & Roy, former Las Vegas entertainers.
Since they’re no longer working with legitimate Bengal tigers, they
might as well start working with these, rather less vicious Bengals.
Imagine, if you will, Chad Johnson. Gracefully running down the field
after a Carson Palmer pass, into the end-zone for a touchdown. Sigfried
and Roy run out to congratulate him…drape a curtain around him, and
with a puff of smoke, Ocho Cinco is the beer guy in section 124. Now if
that won’t make him happy…go on with the trade talks.
10. New Orleans Saints – Next hurricane to hit Tampa Bay.
Those pesky Buccaneers always seem to skate when New Orleans plays
poorly, whether being displaced by a freak natural disaster or all-out
lousy playing. Let’s see how they fare when Katrina II destroys their
precious pirate ship, leaving New Orleans to plunder the NFC South
booty, as they shiver their timbers and make the Buccaneers walk the
plank into the briny deep to spend eternity in Davy Jones’ Locker. (I
should have stopped with the pirate talk after plunder, but c’mon…it’s
too much fun).
11. Buffalo Bills – Lance Mackey, 2008 Iditarod race winner.
Them lake-effect snows sometimes make travel so treacherous, the Bills
can’t make it to the training facility, leaving them to store up body
fat for the winter. No wonder they haven’t made the playoffs in
forever. Mackey is here to get them out. Mush!
12. Denver Broncos – Monk, Obsessive-Compulsive detective.
To be serious for a minute, it has been over 15 months since Darrent
Williams was killed. And his killer(s) is(are) still on the loose.
Never a challenge too great for Monk. Seriously…the family and fans
need some measure of closure. No leads or news in recent memory?
Inexcusable.
13. Carolina Panthers – Barry Sanders, running back. He’s very well rested and should be good to go!! DeAngelo Williams...eeehh
14. Chicago Bears – Actual bears. A disappointing 2007
campaign saw the Bears’ stout defense reduced to the porosity of a
sponge, and the offense reduced from embarrassing to hilarious. My
spidey sense tells me Lovie Smith is now all about what he calls “Tough
Lovie.” For 2008, anyone who plays sub-par spends 5 minutes in a room
with a 9-foot half ton grizzly.
15. Detroit Lions – The Count, puppet from Sesame Street.
He loves counting things…be it letters in the mail or cookies in a jar.
Apparently Jon Kitna doesn’t…because he never quite makes it to 10.
Perhaps some tutelage is needed to get that Kitna meter to a more
appropriate level. Ten wins? Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah!
16. Arizona Cardinals – Sara Jean Underwood, 2007 Playmate of the Year.
The team won’t improve any…but a pregame autograph/photo session and
rousing game of Seven Minutes in Heaven to one lucky tailgater in
hospitality tent oughta boost attendance.
17. Minnesota Vikings – Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer.
Also still a reference, though not as prominent was the Minnesota boat
party. When news of that broke, the Vikings would go 8-4 down the
stretch, stringing 6 in a row in spots. Sounds to me like another Al
and Alma-sponsored shindig is in the works! Need women? Eliot’s got ya
covered.
18. Houston Texans - Robert Neville, legend. “My name is
Robert Neville. I am a surviving Texans fan living in Houston. I am
broadcasting on all television stations and radio frequencies. I will
be at Reliant Stadium every Sunday at midday, when the football is
highest in the sky. If there are any other Texans fans out there…I can
provide beer, I can provide snacks, I can provide three hours of lousy
football. If you are out there, please-you are not alone.”
19. Philadelphia Eagles – Leon Taylor, Playmaker. Donovan McNabb said he wanted a big time playma…what’s that? Oh a REAL one? Nevermind.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Chris Williams, OT from Vanderbilt. Possible pick thrown in for djoy’s and giggles. My avatar does say I’m sneaky you know.
21. Washington Redskins – Million dollar laptop owners worldwide. Having these foolhardy spenders floating around makes Dan Snyder’s transactions over the last few years look brilliant.
22. Dallas Cowboys – Fook Mi, half of Japanese twins in Goldmember. “Tony Romo! You’re so great and so sexy! May I have your autograph?”
23. Pittsburgh Steelers – Leonid Stadnik, world’s tallest man.
His giant frame, all 8 foot 5 inches of him, forced him to quit the job
he loved. Still, this gentle giant loves meeting new people and making
new friends. Him and Ben Roethlisberger oughta get along rather
well…you know, that whole taller receiver thing. Somewhere Hines Ward’s
eternal smile has faded.
24. Tennessee Titans – Pac-Man machine. Necessary to fill the Pacman-y void left in this team. Much more fun and doesn’t get fined.
25. Seattle Seahawks – Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas. See Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Sneaky sneaky, sir.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Hiram Berdan, Commander of the 1st
and 2nd United States Volunteer Sharpshooter Regiment during the Civil
War. The Jaguars sent no voted-in Pro-Bowlers to Hawaii this year,
to the chagrin of fans, and to the sinister appeal of talking heads who
have been salivating at the chance to bash the Pro-Bowl voting system.
With Berdan, Del Rio now has someone who can sneakily take out the
likes of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning so his project, David Garrard,
has his time in the sun. The meaningless, just for fun, sun.
27. San Diego Chargers – Archie Manning, QB, Ole Miss.
A.J. Smith has been trying to swallow this bitter pill for weeks
now…and it’s time for Archie to know exactly how he feels about that
whole 2004 “I don’t want Eli in San Diego” draft fiasco. Perhaps a
couple roundhouse kicks to the chin will let Smith get his point
across. As Rivers watches in amusement.
28. Dallas Cowboys – Fook Yu, other half of Japanese twins in Goldmember. “Tony Romo, we give you super secret, super sexy massage…make you forget all about Jessica Simpson. Do we make you sleepy?”
29. San Francisco 49ers – Devin Thomas, WR from Michigan State. See Seattle Seahawks. I feel you’re underestimating the sneakiness.
30. Green Bay Packers – Edna Parker, oldest person in the world.
Saying farewell to one old person doesn’t have to mean they can’t bring
in another one! At 114, Parker is still able to walk with no
assistance, and enjoys reading and reciting poetry, so perhaps some
words of encouragement and uplifting are needed for depressed team.
She’ll do wonders, no doubt. Just pray she doesn’t become a fourth
Bikini Girl.
31. New York Giants – Dr. Perry Cox, Scrubs doctor. Give
credit to Tom Coughlin for having the courage to go out there in Green
Bay and coach his team to victory in the most important of games and
the harshest of conditions. Give him no credit however for doing so
without the means of keeping his facial temperature anywhere near a
positive number. It’s frostbite that’s no problem for Dr. Cox, who upon
his treatment will call him Tanya and make sure that the next time he
tries that, that blinking angry light will go off over his right
shoulder as that nagging voice in Coughlin’s head screams “Nay, Nay, oh
dear God one thousand times NAY.”
