By RUPackers30
Published: January 1, 2008 PrintEmail
New Year's Resolutions
It's that time of the year again. A new year is upon us, and we choose to make resolutions to better ourselves. Eat less chocolate. Stop watching cheesy yet addicting reality shows. Finally get that gym membership and lose all that turkey weight. It's not the average Joe that makes resolutions though...our favorite NFL and college personalities make them too! Here are some that I'm sure are spinning through their heads.
Patriots coach Bill Belichick: Get rid of the boring, dry approach to press conferences. They know you’re looking to the next opponent on the schedule. They know Tom played well. Time to make things interesting. First, contact Clinton Portis and talk wardrobe…because the ripped hoodie and dirty sneakers aren’t cutting the mustard anymore. Then institute the Belichick magic word. Every time it is said during press conference, play a hilarious sound effect. And conclude press conferences with any of the following sign-offs:
-Peace out, b****es. -I’m gonna go get my freak on. -Lets crank this mother out again next week. -I’m Bill Belichick. Putting the “ew” in New England since 2000!
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo: Get around to buying Jessica a shock collar, that relentlessly goes off whenever she gets within 5,000 feet of Texas Stadium. And also get around to answering her nagging question…”Yes, a football is sort of football-shaped...and can be slippery sometimes.”
Miami coach Cam Cameron: Start working on golf game now so that when late October rolls around he’ll be good to go. You can play all year down there ya know.
Assistant Baltimore coach Rex Ryan: Never call a timeout again. Ever.
Colts quarterback Jim Sorgi: Finally put sinister master plan into effect. With a few cuts of the brake line, you’re well on your way to becoming the starting quarterback of the Colts.
Redskins receiver Reche Caldwell: Stop looking so surprised at everything.
Entire Miami Dolphins team: Stop using the film-watching room and monitors to play Playstation 3.
Jaguars nose tackle Grady Jackson: Cut back to three bowls of gravy a day.
Buccaneers defensive back Ronde Barber: Start off new show-biz career on the right foot. Kidnap, hog tie, and gag Tiki, go on Football Night in America, and see if anyone notices the difference.
Kansas coach Mark Mangino: Two words. Nutra system. You see how Shula slimmed down??
Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino: Remain loyal and dedicated to the Razorback organization, unless another team has a coaching vacancy and more money.
Bears quarterback Rex Grossman: Finally give up on seemingly hopeless NFL career, jump-start new career as host of new ice skating/dancing reality show, Rexcapades.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell: Crack down on reports of Pacman Jones sightings at Gate D of Jets games.
Texans defensive tackle Travis Johnson: Get around to renting “Wizard of Oz.”
Bears kick returner Devin Hester: Keep on bribing NFL punters around the league to keep kicking to him…especially that moron Sauerbrun.
Jaguars nose tackle Grady Jackson: Cut back to five bowls of gravy a day.
Ravens LB Bart Scott and Raiders DT Warren Sapp: Declare contest for 2008 to see who can rack up the most penalty yardage and fines in one play.
Jets coach Eric Mangini: Prove to depressed team that things can indeed be worse, have field trip to Knicks game.
Steelers offensive line coach Larry Zierlein: Never use email again.
NFL Network commentator Bryant Gumbel: Quit. NFL Network commentator Cris Collinsworth: Make sure Gumbel follows up on his resolution. If he doesn't, strangle him with mic cord, throw him in the river, and say Costas did it. Patriots quarterback Tom Brady: Mrs. Burton-Moynahan-Klum-Beyonce-Couric-Brady.
Jaguars nose tackle Grady Jackson: Cut back to eight bowls of gravy a day
Lions GM Matt Millen: Convince self that fifth time is the charm, draft wide receiver in first round and guarantee playoff run.
Steelers safety Anthony Smith: Become part-time used car salesman.
Washington Redskins: Discover various new ways to attribute game outcomes to Sean Taylor’s passing.
Dolphins LB Zach Thomas: Retire. One of the league’s finest players and all around good guys has sustained Chrebet-like numbers of concussions. He should call it quits now before he starts burying Eggos in his backyard expecting waffle trees to grow.
Jaguars nose tackle Grady Jackson: Give up on resolutions.
