By Nino Colla
Published: January 18, 2008 PrintEmail
ESPN's Panel of experts were gathered at a round table discussion prior to the Conference Title Games to discuss their picking season and the playoff progress so far.
They were joined by two unknown pickers. Two men who have their own battle every week. A battle of wits. A battle of true guts.
A battle of two slimey creatures who are just way too full of themselves.
Okay well one is. The other just hails from Wyoming.
When these 10 men come together for a round table discussion, there is no telling what could happen. Which is why we've brought in a mediator to make sure it all goes down properly.
(The following takes place between 5:00 P.M. and 6:00 P.M in an undisclosed room within ESPN Headquarters.)
Mediator: Order.. Order.. Everyone shut the hell up.
Hoge The Factor Back: FACTA BACKKKKAHH!!
Mediator: Hogey, Shut Up before I factor back you back to the last decade.
Schlereth Don't Call Me Roc Hoover: OHHH YOU STUD!
Mediator: You too Stink. What kind of nickname is Stink anyway? Let's get down to business. The reason we are here today is to discuss the idiocy that is your NFL Picks.
Golic, Potroast's #1 Fan: Must we really? I'm not really good at this. I think even Greenberg beat me and the only picking he is good at is his nose.
Mediator: So since all of you guys picked the same two teams this week, there isn't much changing in the standings. The only thing we have to look forward to is if the god himself Wickersham can pull off a New England type undefeated streak and go 11-0.
Salisbury Steak: You mean I can't win anymore. BIG MOUTH BIG MOUTH!
Mediator: No... No you can't. You should have picked someone other than the Packers or Patriots if you wanted to stand a chance at dethroning Wickersham. The best you can do is tie if you disagree on the Superbowl.
Salisbury Steak: Man I'm a Dolt.. Can I change my picks?
Wickersham The Alpha God: No... Suck on that Steak Boy.
Mediator: The great Wickersham. Let me ask you a few other questions since you obviously have the hot hand right now.
Wickersham The Alpha God: Shoot!
Mediator: Jason Or Freddy? Apples or Oranges? 07 Pats or 72 Fins? NBA Champ: Celtics or Spurs? BCS Or Playoff? Jaworski or Theismann? Gator or Bait?
Wickersham The Alpha God: Freddy, he's got claws. Apples they aren't tangy. 72 Fins, Mercury Morris might play dirty. Celtics for funsies. BCS so NFL can remain on top. Jaworski in the booth, Theismann on the field. Gator because I'm scared of worms.
Mediator: I'm afraid if you take the Celtics your streak might end. That and Gator is on a two year losing streak.
Gator, 2 Year Loser: But that last one was a fluke. Tebow didn't text me his picks in time the last few weeks.
Mediator: Shut up you. Now Mort, you are the ultimate low man. Not only are you worse than Golic, your tied with Gator.
Mort Report: It's not fair. I typically pick against the Steelers every week. But they aren't here so my score is actually better than it should be. Plus I got a favor and they finally lost. Mediator: Hell Accuscore is beating you, and that's a friggin computer. Hey Allen we haven't heard from you. Why do you suck so much. You barely did better than Golic in the regular season, then you got off to a 4-0 start only to blow it. Allen The Eagle: Dohknowman.. Just a brother trying to make his picks.
Wickersham The Alpha God: My god you guys are really pathetic. No one has ever heard of me yet I'm 8-0, and losers like Mort are too busy getting their house owned to even TOUCH me. I think I should be on Countdown. Hell I should run ESPN. Mediator: Settle down Alpha God. No need to resort to insulting Mort. He's already a loser who should stick to reporting. You know as bad as some of you guys are. All the "Sunday Experts" on Countdown went 2 for 2. I vote for Hoge, Schlereth and Salisbury to replace Keyshawn, Emmitt and TJ.
Hoge The Factor Back: Hell I'd just be happy for a little air time. I may have 50 concussions but I still know more football than that 8 year old they put on.
Salisbury Steak: Yeah really. I'm stuck on radio every other night. I wouldn't have to be doing that dribble if they gave me that 8 year old's time slot. Hell I wouldn't have had to start SEAN BIG MOUTH SALISBURY.com FREE PLUG.
Mediator: No free plugs. Zip your lid. How does it make you feel Golic. You have your own radio show that is simulcasted on ESPN2. You've done MNF, Arena Football, the SPELLING BEE. Yet when ESPN needs real football analysis, they bring in a 10 year old.
Golic, Potroast's #1 Fan: What's that? Oh I don't watch that on Sunday. I'm too busy giving Greeny neck rubs.
JAWS: You know that show went to hell when I left. But I'd rather put up with Kornheiser than listen to Boomer's RUMBLIN' BUMBLIN' STUMBLIN' every five seconds. I think the 10 year old should replace him.
Mediator: You put up with Hoge for every NFL Matchup show, I'm sure you could handle Boomer.
JAWS: Are you kidding me. I run circles around Hoge. You don't think those concussions had an effect on him?
Hoge The Factor Back: Who's there? FACTA BAAAAAACK!?
Bait in Wyoming: Ignored again....
Mediator: So You all think it's the Pack Vs the Pats. 11 Years ago it was the same match up. The Packers were a 14 point favorite. This year the Pats could very well be 14 point favorites. Thoughts?
Allen The Eagle: Packers have a good secondary. Go with the GB! Mort Report: You are implying I actually break down the game are you? Oh I don't do that I'm just a reporter. But because you asked I think the Patriots will win because they have a better Quarterback. Boom, back to you.
Schlereth Don't Call Me Roc Hoover: It's all about the lines! Go with The Pats! Then again The Pack's Kicker Is TOUGH AS NAILS, YOU STUD.
Golic, Potroast's #1 Fan: I'm gonna have to go with the Pats. JUST to spite my lover Greeny.
JAWS; Oh go with the Packers. I've broken down every piece of tape on Brett Favre since 1995! He's got all the tools to make it happen!
Hoge The Factor Back: I may have had 60 concussions but even I know that you need to pick the Packriots in this game.
Wickersham the Alpha God: Uh I haven't flipped my coin yet.
Salisbury Steak: Which ever team bakes the best muffins.
Mediator: Uh.. Wow. So guys what do you base your picks off of? Please don't tell me you actually flip a coin Wickersham. I've been basing my picks off you all playoffs. I'd be crushed to know there is no logical reason for you being 8-0.
Wickersham the Alpha God: Uh-What? Man I've been basing my picks off you. What the hell.
Mediator: But my picks aren't published.
Wickersham The Alpha God: Um.. Okay, I'm kind of out if right now, I thought we were talking about the Teletubbies.
Mediator: Uhhh.. Moving on. How do you make your awful picks Eric?
Allen the Eagle: Well I just sim Madden and let them tell me. Why do you think they call me EA?
Mort Rerport: Football Analysis.. Or I'll pick a name out of a hat. Most of the time I do the hat.
Golic, Potroast's #1 Fan: I actually just steal Dan Marino's picks.
Mediator: Well that's a lie. You are just trying to make Dan look bad.
Hoge The Factor Back: I do the color by numbers thing. Whatever works baby!
Gator, 2 Year Loser: I actually just don't put any thought into mine. I just do it. Like slapping pant onto a canvas. That or Tim Tebow will give me the inside scoop. You know he's dreamy. Hell he's my bookie.
Salisbury Steak: I actually watch the games believe it or not. Then I pick the better team.
Entire Room: Ahhhhhhhhahahahhaha...
JAWS: Good one, but we all know that's a lie. No one watches any tape.. I live in that room! No one comes in there! EVER!
Schlereth Don't Call Me Roc Hoover: I base all my picks off which team has an offensive line that is ready to maul!!!! Oh and whoever has the prettiest kicker.
Bait In Wyoming: We'll see how I pick..
Mediator: You guys are really a talented bunch. ESPN sure assembled the best of the best. And PSH. Man they really pulled out all the stops for you two.
Wickersham The Alpha God: I'm thinking of going to SI.com next year. No one has ever heard of me here. I demand respect damnit.
Mediator: You do that. I think it's time to end things though. God knows you people get way too much air time already.
Golic, Potroast's #1 Fan: This is on TV? What gives I'm only supposed to be on TV if Greeny is around! This is a breach of contract!
Salisbury Steak: USC > Notre Shame... Eat that Fat Man.
