Celebrating the best and the worst from a year gone by, and a year to come!
These awards are given to individuals and teams who display excellence
in the game of football, excellence at being horrible at football, and
excellence in being complete morons. They were voted on by an expert
team of PSH members, those experts being the ones I randomly selected,
and those staff members awesome enough to reply to my topic. You will
be acknowledged at the end of the article, and one of you will make off
with a sweet bonus. And now, let’s get on with it…shall we?
The “I Don’t Know What ‘It’ Is, But He’s Got It” Award (Donated by Neil Flynn, better known as the Janitor from Scrubs, who coined the phrase in episode 509).
Given to the player who we think would have gotten the NFL MVP award if
Tom Brady were to get hit by a semi in week 2. And the nominees are:
Peyton Manning, for “That jerk can keep beating me in awards, I’ll just beat him on the field.” Brett Favre, for “That’s alright if I don’t win, there might be next year.” Adrian Peterson, for “Hey, maybe the Vikings have something good going for them after all.” LaDainian Tomlinson, for “I don’t need that fruit Philip Rivers to make things happen.” Reggie Wayne, for “Now that I’ve framed Marvin, this team is all mine!”
And with 67% of the vote, the award goes to…
Brett Favre, for “That’s alright if I don’t win, there might be next year!”
The “Why Won’t You Die” Award (Donated by Austin Powers, who coined the phrase in “The Spy Who Shagged Me.”)
Given to the NFL story that we’re sick and tired of hearing about. And the nominees are:
Spygate, for “We were all but gone until Arlen Specter stuck his nose in this” The Michael Vick Saga, for “It’s only because I’m an athlete” The Chad Johnson Holdout, for “It’s a big deal now, until 3 months from now when I cave and show up at camp.”
And with 60% of the vote, the award goes to…
Spygate, for “We were all but gone until Arlen Specter stuck his nose in this.”
The “No Jack, Come Back…Come Back…No Jack…(cue Celine Dion music)” Award (Donated by James Cameron, director of Titanic.)
Given to the player whom we are most sad to see leaving the league. And the nominees are:
Steve McNair, for “My desire for the game left with Brian Billick.” Brett Favre, for “I don’t really think I’m eligible for this award.” Warren Sapp, for “I got my 30 yard penalty, and the hatred of millions, there is nothing left for me to accomplish.” Mike Rucker, for “Wait, who are you again?” Kevin Everett, for “Dude, Andre Hixon owes me BIG TIME.”
And with 60% of the vote, the award goes to…
Brett Favre, for “I don’t really think I’m eligible for this award.”
(Female voiceover) – “This is Brett Favre’s second award of the night.”
The “No Seriously, This Time We Mean It” Award
Given to the team voted most likely to FINALLY make the playoffs. And the nominees are:
The Cleveland Browns, for “Hey, we made it in 2002. Why doesn't anyone believe us?” The Detroit Lions, for “Red Wings, Pistons, we’re next…right?” The Arizona Cardinals, for “We promise to stop spending training camp checking out the cheerleaders tanning.” The Houston Texans, for “Sixth time’s the charm.”
And with 69% of the vote, the award goes to…
The Cleveland Browns, for "Hey we made it in 2002. Why doesn't anyone believe us?"
The “Yeah You Were Great Last Night, No I’m Not Calling You” Award
Given to one AFC and one NFC team who made the playoffs this past year,
most likely to miss the playoffs this year. The AFC nominees are:
New England Patriots, for “Wow, we’re really up for this? That’s hilarious. Even got Belichick to smile a little.” Indianapolis Colts, for “Marvin or no Marvin, we got this.” San Diego Chargers, for “Our sweet uniforms should get us free points.” Tennessee Titans, for “We miss Pacman. A little. Eh not really.” Jacksonville Jaguars, for “Dude we get NO love.” Pittsburgh Steelers, for “How the hell is Big Ben still in one piece?”
And with an incredible 88% of the vote, the AFC award goes to…
The Tennessee Titans, for “We miss Pacman. A little. Eh not really.”
The NFC Nominees are:
Dallas Cowboys, for “We’re glad to have Pacman. Really, we are. Seriously.” Green Bay Packers, for “Lions and Vikings and Bears, no chance! Lions and Vikings and Bears, no chance!” New York Giants, for “Maybe we should all just blow off training camp” Washington Redskins, for “We miss ya Sean. How about getting things to bounce our way this year…sound good?” Seattle Seahawks, for “Today, a large angry coach. Tomorrow, a smaller angrier coach.” Tampa Bay Buccaneers, for “If we don’t make the playoffs, Gruden will kill us. Really.”
And with 56% of the vote, the award goes to:
The Washington Redskins, for “We miss ya Sean. How about getting things to bounce our way this year…sound good?”
The “So Why Am I Dressed Up Like A Pirate In This Restaurant? It’s
All Because I Couldn’t Play Ball Efficiently, Now I’m In Here Every
Evening Serving Chowder And Iced Tea” Award (Donated by those three guys in those hilarious freecreditreport.com commercials)
Given to the player with a huge contract most likely to become a complete bust. And the nominees are:
JaMarcus Russell, for “I’m unproven, fat, and I want $80 million.” Donte Stallworth, for “I think I might actually stay longer than one year this time.” Bernard Berrian, for “Tarvaris and Bernard. Striking fear into defenses like Marques Tuiasosopo and Jerry Porter. Fear us.” Justin Smith, for “Who?”
And with 44% of the vote, the closest call on the ballot, the award goes to…
Bernard Berrian, for “Tarvaris and Bernard. Striking fear into defenses like Marques Tuiasosopo and Jerry Porter. Fear us.”
The “Ben Roethlisberger” Award
Given to the rookie who, in 2008, will have a huge impact on his team. The nominees are,
Joe Flacco, for “You won’t get any flack from me. I’m Joe Flacco and I approve this message.” Darren McFadden, for “How in the world am I ever gonna beat out LaMont Jordan?” Matt Ryan, for "I may be #2, but I'm not full of (microphone screech)”
And with 69% of the vote, the award goes to…
Darren McFadden, for “How in the world am I ever gonna beat out LaMont Jordan?”
This concludes the first annual PSH awards show. I would like to thank
those who replied to my topic in the staff forum so quickly, and those
who answered my private messages so quickly and efficiently. Without
your input this article doesn’t happen. In no particular order,
As thanks, I would like somebody, NOT listed above, to reply with a
number, 1 to 16. Just one person. The numbers were randomly assigned to
each person who sent me their input. The person whose number is picked
will earn a 1,000 MVP donation from me.
I sincerely hope you enjoyed this article. Enjoy the summer...and here's to preseason getting here in a jiffy!!
